I, like many thousands of people, watched the LDS General Conference this last weekend. I feel so blessed to be able to watch it every 6 months. I tend to really crave it as the time gets closer. This time was no different.
With every talk I felt inspired to do better. Specific ideas were flowing through my head that I felt would make me a better person, wife, and mother. I was filled, literally, to the brim with the spirit to go forth and be more Christlike.
Then Monday morning came.
Monday morning those same inspiring thoughts were still there, but in the same breath I felt so horrible. Every thought I had on how I was going to improve my life was followed by a feeling of inadequacy, being a failure, and being completely overwhelmed. I was so confused as to how I could be feeling feelings at the very opposite sides of the spectrum at the same time. That morning I was sharing this thought with my dear friend NaTasha. She explained that she too feels this way often and has since learned that those inspiring thoughts are not to be overshadowed by the feelings that Satan wants us to feel. He wants us to think that it is too hard, or that we are unworthy to receive inspiration, or that we have already failed. She shared that she feels that there are two simple things that we can focus on and it will help to accomplish all the tasks to reach the goals we have set and to cast away the feelings that are plaguing our soul. By simply praying and faithfully reading our scriptures this will show enough diligence it takes to receive the guidance we need to make everything else fall into place. We will find the inspiration that we need to be better women, we will find patience to deal with the troubles that come up, and most importantly we will find the energy to get to work. With this on my mind, and feeling much better, I went on about my day.
Until we had Family Home Evening.
This was one thing that was on my list of things to do better at. I wanted so badly to sit down and have a wonderful evening with my family, have a lesson that the kids totally got, and to feel like this could really be part of our routine again. By the end of the evening we were all in tears and I was ready to bag it all together. Satan was winning. I knew it and I wanted to be in a better place again. So I put the kids to bed and sat in front of the tv to unwind. I kept thinking of Elder Holland's talk. So many people were talking about it. I was wrestling kids during conference, I knew I had missed something. I turned it on to watch it. I cried. I watched it again. I cried again. (You can listen to a portion of his talk above) To hear is powerful testimony of the Book of Mormon I knew NaTasha was right. This is the guide to make my life better.
Today, I learned the second lesson I needed to truly know for myself that indeed my dearest friend had given me the counsel I needed to hear. I was convinced, with the help of Elder Holland, that reading my scriptures was going to help, but apparently I needed a lesson in prayer too.
I send my little Princess to school everyday with her blood sugar monitor that goes with her pump (she has the Animas Ping. The meter is a remote to her pump. For the record the entire thing cost about $7000!) Today, when I went to get her from school she reported that her meter was lost. The teacher and office staff had been looking for it, but to no avail. I tried my darnedest to not have a panic attack. Instead I prayed. This tester could not be missing! What would I do? What would happen if we never got it back? The insurance wouldn't pay for another, what is really the point in having the "Ping" if it didn't have the remote? I tried to remind myself that if I prayed it will be found. I needed to have faith. The school started to call all the kids in the class to let them know they thought it might have been sent home in the wrong backpack. I prayed some more. It was 45 minutes after the kindergarten classes had gone home. The teacher saw a little girl from Princess' class out in the hallway still with her babysitter. She ran over and told her that they were calling the parents of all the kids to find this tester. The babysitter said that since she wouldn't have gotten the call she was more than welcome to search her backpack. When Mrs. Wilson pulled the tester out of the little girl's backpack I got the chills, so did the teacher. I KNEW that my prayers were answered! This was no doubt in my mind that this was the second half of the lesson that I needed to learn this week. (Also for the record, the tester was put in the wrong backpack by mistake. After her 10:15 testing the school nurse put it in the wrong backpack.)
Such a powerful lesson to learn. I needed to learn that my self esteem should not only be based on all that can be seen. The greater the tasks that one person can do does not tally up to the greatest person of all. What does matter is the importance of each task, the true meaning. I can't be overwhelmed by what I am not doing. Rather I need to be working on the small but simple tasks in order to to have it all fall into place. Now, I have the knowledge of how true, and how incredibly important the small and simple tasks really are in all that is overwhelming.
I am eternally grateful!