Saturday, November 17, 2007

I miss him....

Life in the past few weeks have been really rough, I am not going to lie. I realized what everyone was saying to me about setting too many goals was right. I still want to work on all those things, but a bigger and more important issue came up.

See my little dude? He has been a big trial of mine in the last couple of weeks. There really isn't a need to get into all that has been the problem because we could be here all night. It isn't important because he is four and we are just alike, bad tempers and all. What is important though is that he has been at his at his grandma's and grandpa's house all weekend (because they thought that we needed a break from each other) and all that I have been able to think about today is how much I love him.

Four and a half years ago I could look into his eyes and make him smile. We slept in "our" chair every night because he just wanted to be held. I would sing to him to calm him down and every touch was so soft and so sweet. It hurt SO bad to leave him every day and go to work. I couldn't ever bare to be away from him for very long.

Today the quiet and sweet moments almost never happen. Lately it has been nothing but a battle of wills between us. But in the moments that he will sit next to me and twist my hair, or climb into my bed in the middle of the night. The times that he comes to me when he is sad and wants to talk, or wants me to help him build a bigger and better fort with ALL the blankets in the house I want to cherish them. I miss him right now. I want to give him a big hug and let him know how much I love him and how I am trying so hard to be a better mommy, and that no matter what he will always be my little dude.

While he has been gone I have been able to reflect on the last little bit and be able to really see what has been happening. I hurt. There are so many things that I wish I could take back. The future is bright for us now though. The entire family received a blessing and that has made the world of difference. It has truly helped me to remember that he is a gift to me from my Heavenly Father. He has such a strong spirit, and I can see that he is trying.

I love him dearly. I am happy with the progress that we have made. I hope that we can just learn from this and be able to become better. Although I am grateful for my parents for helping out, and the time that we have spent apart, I miss him like crazy (even though he is less than 3 miles away).


Kim said...

I am so sorry to hear things have been a struggle. I have these moments too and sometimes it is so easy to forget the little things when tempers flare and kids are kids. I will remember you in our prayers. Hang on. How nice that you have loving parents to help you out when times are hard!

Reed Photographic said...

If we all had docile children we'd have no good stories to tell later. Hang in there.