This post will be very hard for me, but I have been thinking about it for a week or so now. So bare with me while I get out a few emotions.
Tomorrow, March 17th, is the birthday of a true friend of mine that past away a year and a half ago. She was very tragically killed in a car accident on her way home from a family vacation to Hawaii. She had left behind a very amazing husband, and her 7 month old daughter. At the time my daughter was only 4 months old. Before she died we spent many hours on the phone together talking about our babies. We had all these plans for them to be best friends growing up. Even while we were pregnant we went shopping for all those cute little outfits for our girls. Our friendship was growing stronger through the bond of motherhood. She was an amazing friend.
Two days before she left for Hawaii, I called her because I really needed someone to talk to. I had been suffering from Post Partum Depression, and had just recently been trying to get help. She was some what of a social worker and always gave great advice, and had a laugh the would brighten anyone's day. I was feeling really down about myself and I knew she would cheer me up. I remember telling her how I felt so inadequate as a mother because I couldn't handle my heavy load. I remember saying to her "I don't see why I am the only mother in this world that can't do it. I see people every day handling more than me. Why is it that I can't do it?" What she said to me next were words that ring through my head often. Not only because it was the last thing that she said to me, but because they are words of wisdom. Words that made me realize so much about motherhood. She said "What you don't realize is that there are people out there that look at you and think, If she can do it. So can I." What she made me realize is that I will never know anyone's true feelings. I can not live my life looking at other people and wanting to be like them. I can just try my hardest and hope and pray that it is enough.
The day that I got the news that she had been killed. I shut down. I could not imagine life without my kids. I couldn't imagine leaving my kids behind. I couldn't help but to constantly think of her daughter that was now having to grow up without her mother. I thought of her husband and how he was feeling to have lost the love of his life at such a young age, but having to be strong for his daughter. I was so sad to have lost such a close friend. To know that she wouldn't be there anymore was so much more than I could bare. I cry to this day thinking about all the emotions that I felt. I take comfort to know that she is watching over me and all of her family and friends. I take comfort in remembering the wisdom that she shared with me, and how much she touched my life. I take comfort in knowing the legacy that she left behind through her daughter and by just being who she was.
I miss her so much every day. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her, that I don't hear her laugh. I can't wait for the day that I get to see her again. But until then she has given me the strength to be a better mom. To accomplish more things. To overcome more obstacles. To just be me. What a legacy!
I love and miss you Kirsten! Happy Birthday!