Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I was wanting to post a few things tonight after I put the kids to bed. I wanted to write all about Dude's first day of 1st grade, and about the awesome friend I have the came to my rescue with a pump holder. I even have a post almost ready to show off how totally awesome (and creative) my sister in law is. But for some reason I can't get diabetes off my mind.

Actually it is always there at the forefront of my mind. It never leaves. But tomorrow we are meeting with her Kindergarten teacher and the school nurse to talk about things before she starts school next week. We also have our first appointment with the Endocrinologist since getting the pump. I am nervous.

I started to get all emotional about diabetes again tonight. This happens occasionally, but even more so when things are not going how I would like them to. Some of our problems have been my fault and that makes it worse. Like the other night when in a sleep stupor I checked her and saw that she was at like 218. I gave her insulin then realized that I am not supposed to correct her at night until she is over 250! I laid in bed the rest of the night checking her every our or so to see if she was ok. Dummy me! But that isn't all! My sisters were going to watch her while I had to work on Monday. I was trying to show them how to work her pump. She was standing right by me then I told her to go play. She ran downstairs and I continued to show them how to use it. Well, it delivered the insulin! OH CRAP! I ran down and checked her she was at 77 with 3/4 of insulin on board already from lunch....yes already crashing. To top it off I accidentally gave her 1.80 units of insulin! I had to leave so I could make it to work on time, but as I was leaving my sisters gave her some chocolate milk and cookies...I cried the rest of the way home. It all ended fine, but it is so hard to forgive myself when I do things like this. I am supposed to be taking care of her, not making it worse!

So I went back and read my posts from when she was diagnosed in November and I cried. I cried at all the comments, I cried because my emotions were so raw then and I could feel them all over again. I cried because I can't help but feel why her sometimes. I cried because I don't know that I was cut out for this job, but yet I was so humbled when she was first diagnosed. Have I lost that?

Yes, I am a little stressed. Starting school is going to kill me. I realize it is just half a day, but that is half the day that she will be away from home under the care of someone else. Sitting in a class with 25 other kids with one teacher. Sitting in a school with one school nurse that is also the nurse for 11 other schools. No one knows my princess like her mommy and daddy. We can be across the room and know if she is high or low. I fear that something will be wrong and that no one will know until something terrible happens.

I suppose you would say right now I have two choices....stop stressing about things I have no control over (my dad's famous advice) or to have another restless night while making my self sick from stress.

Can I pick right in the middle?


The Piquant Storyteller said...

First of all, don't beat yourself up over mistakes. Once I primed even though I was still attached to the infusion set. I don't remember the circumstances that led to this. I think I was cheating by refilling the reservoir without changing the site. (I can't change my own sites because it freaks me out too badly) Anyway, I gave myself a lot of insulin. I suspended my pump and ate a lot. Then I went to a church meeting. There were donuts. I never eat donuts because they require too much insulin for not tasting that great. I ate a big donut. I was still low when I got home! We all make mistakes. Cut yourself some slack.

I can only imagine how scary it must be for you to send her to school. Trust that the Lord will protect her. But if you still find yourself stressing I understand. I am the queen of stressing out.

I feel like I should stop promising you that things will get better because I feel like I'm the worst diabetic right now. I really hate this CGM. I hope it gets better and I'm sure that as soon as I figure it out it will get better. But even with me not being the model diabetic, I promise that things will get better for you and your daughter. The older she gets and the longer she lives with this stupid disease, the more she will recognize how it feels to be high and low and what to do about it. She will understand her pump more as she gets older and one day you will be posting that you can't believe she does everything herself. You will miss managing it on your own.

Think of the big picture. Right now diabetes is all you can think about because you are still trying to learn about it and fit it into your routine. Gradually you will think about it less and less. It will become as commonplace as brushing your teeth. Diabetes will not rule your life. You are in control of it. Hang in there. You're doing just fine. :) I will keep praying for you and your princess.

Wendy said...


This is so hard. So incredibly difficult, I know.

I wish I could just hug you tight and tell you it's going to be okay.

It IS going to be okay, btw. Please share your ups and downs along the way -- school is a new step, unchartered waters...just know that you aren't alone.

In times like these, I have to rely on God. I just throw my anxiety and worries at the cross and try to take comfort in His ability to manage all of this chaos.

I will pray for you. Stay strong.

PS (And don't beat yourself up over the mix ups. They happen -- LORD KNOWS they happen. Live and learn!!!)

Rachel said...

Oh I know the feeling. School is stressful. It's hard to let go. I understand that. Hang in there, it will be ok.

Oh and don't worry about making a mistake... we've all done some! :)

Chelsea said...

Shannon, I wish there were more I could do to help you! It breaks my heart that you have to go through all this! My grandma had diabetes for over 20 years. When I was younger, I thought it was fun cause she always had candy in her purse! I didn't realize the reason behind it.

As I grew older, she had other health problems on top of the diabetes to where she was taking 30 different medications a day. She had one pill box and her eyes were going, so she would have to feel the pills in order to put them in the right place in her box. It took her almost a half hour to do that. One night when I was over there, I helped her out and it took about three minutes. She started to cry and said she didn't know what she was going to do after I left. (We stayed at their house when my dad was in town.) The next day, I went and got 7 tackle boxes for fly fishing and I painted different things on each one to depict each day, and I went over there every Sunday and filled up the pill boxes for the whole week. It took about 15 minutes to do that, and the next hour and a half would be filled with laughter. I did that for over three years until she passed away.

I miss her every day, but I have her with me because after she passed, my grandpa gave me her wedding ring which is now my wedding ring.

Some of my favorite times with her were testing her blood sugar and hoping for a low number so we could get some ice cream from Baskin Robins! So even with this horrible disease there was laughter and wonderful memories. There were hard times too, but I don't remember those as much. Just remember that the Lord is there to help you, as are your friends and family. And with all that help, you will totally get through this!

Fresh courage take!

Stephanie said...

wow you are such an awesome mommy! You are so strong. just take one day at a time dont stress too much about the future:)

Becky said...

Jeremiah 29:11

Shamae said...

I could have written this. Diabetes has been making me wear my emotions on my sleeve lately. I am not sure why. Summer has been rough for us but it seems that at some times it is just so darn difficult. Hugs. The wonderful thing about blog land is we can lean on each other.

Meri said...

Hi, I'm new here. :) One of my diabetics is starting kindergarten this year too. I feel for you! I totally know!

Last week I had the boys bathed and showered before church and thought I was soo organized. Two hours into church I realized I forgot to put the pump back on my youngest...and baby that is just the tip of the iceberg!

Someone once told me to picture everyone in the world as having a wheel for a brain. It is constantly turning with thoughts of the day and things to do. But a diabetic mother (or parent, or person) has a second wheel constantly turning with things such as boluses, carbs and numbers. No wonder we feel like we're going crazy sometimes.

Glad I found you!

Koni said...

Shannon, I am Bonnie Lindsay's niece. Thanks for your posts. They've helped me. My daughter (age 8) was just diagnosed last week. She starts school (3rd grade) on Monday. I am worried, but know her teachers, administration, and school nurse (we are lucky to have school nurses in VA) and they will be great. I am in the beginning stages of learning about this disease. I am tired of counting carbs. I guess I am just tired (I've got 5 kids). This is a whole new world... Koni