I was wanting to post a few things tonight after I put the kids to bed. I wanted to write all about Dude's first day of 1st grade, and about the awesome friend I have the came to my rescue with a pump holder. I even have a post almost ready to show off how totally awesome (and creative) my sister in law is. But for some reason I can't get diabetes off my mind.
Actually it is always there at the forefront of my mind. It never leaves. But tomorrow we are meeting with her Kindergarten teacher and the school nurse to talk about things before she starts school next week. We also have our first appointment with the Endocrinologist since getting the pump. I am nervous.
I started to get all emotional about diabetes again tonight. This happens occasionally, but even more so when things are not going how I would like them to. Some of our problems have been my fault and that makes it worse. Like the other night when in a sleep stupor I checked her and saw that she was at like 218. I gave her insulin then realized that I am not supposed to correct her at night until she is over 250! I laid in bed the rest of the night checking her every our or so to see if she was ok. Dummy me! But that isn't all! My sisters were going to watch her while I had to work on Monday. I was trying to show them how to work her pump. She was standing right by me then I told her to go play. She ran downstairs and I continued to show them how to use it. Well, it delivered the insulin! OH CRAP! I ran down and checked her she was at 77 with 3/4 of insulin on board already from lunch....yes already crashing. To top it off I accidentally gave her 1.80 units of insulin! I had to leave so I could make it to work on time, but as I was leaving my sisters gave her some chocolate milk and cookies...I cried the rest of the way home. It all ended fine, but it is so hard to forgive myself when I do things like this. I am supposed to be taking care of her, not making it worse!
So I went back and read my posts from when she was diagnosed in November and I cried. I cried at all the comments, I cried because my emotions were so raw then and I could feel them all over again. I cried because I can't help but feel why her sometimes. I cried because I don't know that I was cut out for this job, but yet I was so humbled when she was first diagnosed. Have I lost that?
Yes, I am a little stressed. Starting school is going to kill me. I realize it is just half a day, but that is half the day that she will be away from home under the care of someone else. Sitting in a class with 25 other kids with one teacher. Sitting in a school with one school nurse that is also the nurse for 11 other schools. No one knows my princess like her mommy and daddy. We can be across the room and know if she is high or low. I fear that something will be wrong and that no one will know until something terrible happens.
I suppose you would say right now I have two choices....stop stressing about things I have no control over (my dad's famous advice) or to have another restless night while making my self sick from stress.
Can I pick right in the middle?